Good things:

I'm lying against the wall at the head of my bed on top of about five pillows and I really could just not move until the morning and be fine. Not a muscle. Just let me be!

19 January 2007

sacredsleep

Ahhh! My roommate still snores!

She said that she was getting the problem "fixed" over winter break (something about tonsils being removed) but this didn't happen (the tonsils), instead her lymph nodes were drained by a daily medication, but apparently that hasn't stopped her insane stuffed-up wheezing revolting sounds from attacking my ears. Last night was the first night she slept in our room (she has a boyfriend) and I fell asleep first, thank God, but I woke up at 5:15am and really couldn't go back to sleep until just before I was to get up at 8am. If I can't sleep I am a very unhappy, miserable person. Sooooo in goes a room change request, just to be safe. And I'm going to try ear plugs for the next night she's here. I can't see how I'll like sleeping with things in my ears though...

Gah.

17 January 2007

dignity

I left all my illegal appliances (microwave, coffee maker, toaster) at home by accident. They did safety room checks over winter break, and I didn't want to get fined for having these things in my room so I chucked them in the car last December and stored them in the garage for a month. There is a reason why things in the garage never seem to leave the garage once you put them there. I always forget something when I travel, and it was unfortunate that I didn't forget my hairbrush or toothpaste instead. Luckily my mom is mailing me the toaster along with my pottery piece and a few other things, and I've found a (free) small microwave that someone doesn't want anymore, and I decided to buy a new coffee maker since the one I left at home is crappy and makes bad coffee. I upgraded to a Black & Decker kind (for some reason it was 25% off at Target) and it's pretty nifty. It looks all suave in black and silver and it automatically shuts off (I often forget to do this when I'm rushing out the door). And the coffee tastes good! I've been making it every morning now, which will save me lots of money in the long run. I can't imagine how much money I spent on (literally) hot, flavored water last semester.

School is in full swing again. I'm finalizing my class schedule, and I'm very excited about all my classes (it is only the second day). I'm dropping Ceramics. It is a purely sculpture (not pot-throwing) class which I'm not really interested in, requires eight hours of outside time in addition to five hours in class each week, and the professor told us that doing the assignments doesn't result in an A; you have to put in an exceptional amount of effort. For a gen-ed requirement? No thanks. and I'm also dropping Slavewomen in Antebellum America. I don't really know why I signed up for a class I have absolutely no interest in, just to fill a gen-ed. Damn you pointless gen-eds! So instead of Ceramics, I'm taking Microeconomics "for fun". I like economics. I get it. The professor is a young woman, beautiful and a triathelete (in addition to being an environmental economist, of course), and taking this gives me the option to take more economics classes in the future. So why not? My Warriors, Wives and Wenches class is going to be awesome. The prof is an old wise black woman with a big smile and a (Jamaican?) accent that sounds like the lull of waves crashing on the beach. She's a Biblical/New Testament scholar so the class is not going to be a men-bashing righteous-women-art-thou class as I had feared, but instead an honest look at what women were doing in Rome, Egypt, Greece, Africa, etc. in ancient history (ancient as in 500 BCE to 200 AD). There is one brave guy in it, amongst forty women. And what else? French - ah, yes, I love French. (Oui, j'aime le langue Francais) I still feel very intimidated with the language (definitely because my French 1 class last spring was kind of a joke because the grad student who taught it at ASU didn't really know what he was doing other than that he was from Brazil and was adorable) and possibly because I took Spanish for so long that it still rolls off my tongue with all the grammar intact, while with French I have to stop and think and mess up and try not to butcher all the tiny but important grammatical details of the language. I'm also old! (at least in regards to language cognition). It is easier to start learning a second language at the age of 12 than at 19. But I'm working on it, and it will come. The professor is adorable too (le professeur est adorable aussi!). US History Since 1865 may be worth it. We read from only primary texts instead of a dry textbook, and the professor's field of study in American history. It's a survey for the major, and it may work out. I may end up feeling like regular history is a solid interest for me. But the siren song of art history may be more powerful. I'm trying to get into Introduction to the History of Art. I went to the first class this afternoon and really had a good time. The professor goes off on these tangents about math being Arabic in origin and things like that, but he's very passionate about art history and has a fancy title with someone's name in it, so Pomona must think he's a good egg. Probably forty-five people showed up for a thirty-person class, and we have to wait until Monday to see how many people return for the second class. I have no idea if or how many people will drop. He says he'll try to accomodate everyone but you know professors - some don't care how many people are in their classes and some are stickler to stay under a certain amount. Since I'm not registered for it, I really, really hope I get in because it's a subject in which I may very well major, and if I don't take this class this semester I can only major in Art History if I don't study abroad in the spring, and he seems like a great person from whom to receive a broad overview of art history. (So often, an intro class shapes our opinion of the whole subject, however unfair that assumption may be.) Oh, and this morning I auditioned for and "made" (not like it's hard) the Concert Choir. The first rehearsal was this afternoon immediately after my last class (oh joy) and we're singing all Scandinavian pieces, mostly in languages other than English. It should be interesting! I feel very inadequate since the last time I sang in a choir I had gaps in my teeth and wasn't allowed to shave my legs, but there is a "wide range of abilities" as the director put it, and it's lovely to spend an hour and a half contributing to something beautiful. Step one, accomplished!

It is either a blessing or a curse that my classes are almost all back-to-back from 9:35 to 1:15, and on the other two days from 11 to 12, and 1:15 to 5:45. I like not wasting any time, but if I do end up having these five (and a half) classes I'm basically not going to sleep much for the next five months. I don't know if this is just a result of the first week back at school studded with many different emotions and stressors, but currently I am exhausted by the end of classes. When I will exercise is a big question, since I must do this to stay sane. Right now, considering my energy level and workload, running at 7pm is not an option, so starting tomorrow, I'm walking and/or running every morning before class. Not ridiculously early, like before the sun rises, but since my earliest class starts at 9:35 on two days and at 11am on the other two days, I don't really have an excuse, and I want to do this. I feel so good when I exercise regularly, and it will be healthy to start the day this way. I've never been a morning exerciser in my life, but I think that if I approach it the right way (i.e. not try to run four miles tomorrow morning), it will become a habit.

It was weird being back at school at first because this is my first time returning to a school. It was weird having a group of friends, having a room ready to be lived in again, and knowing the campus well, but also having to anticipate new classes and a whole new schedule and routine. It's also stressful having to drop/add like it's 1925 (everything is on paper with both the professor's and my advisor's signatures required for any change at all which means lots of running around trying to catch profs in office hours when you have better things to do) and trying to put together a decent range of subjects and suitable times and days and all that. But now the weekdays are becoming familiar again, with coffee and class and then lunch and checking mail and class again, and dinner with everyone, and then procrastination and homework, and not having to deal with the novelties and frustrations of a new school for the first time in my college career makes life quite nice. Despite its drawbacks, this is my school and I am developing a fondness for it which I knew would emerge with time. The staff is happy to see everyone, the semester is fresh and bright and ripe with possibilities, the chicken in the dining hall is amazing, and the weather is cloudy and cold - almost like a real winter. And this is the last time in our entire lives where the only things for which we are responsible include reading things, writing papers and showing up for class. No bills, no taxes, no insurance, no landlords, no children. And I'm going to make the most of it, because this time will be over soon.

God, I just re-read this and I can tell how tired I am! It is now 11:30pm and I still have to read four chapters about Reconstruction. Unfortunately, the amount of work I will be facing at this time of the night as the semester progresses will most likely only increase. And I find it so strange that it is 8:30 in the morning in England!

14 January 2007

creativeness

Oh, it's late. I ran around today doing things, all fun actually: lunch with the fam, errands with my sister (our car rides/talks/dances/sing-alongs will be one of my fondest memories from this time in my life), finishing my collage project, and a late-night movie with my mom (Perfume: The Story of A Murderer - fantastic. You have to be a certain kind of person to want to see it, but it's an incredible film). Of course I haven't packed yet. Each time I come home I leave the packing for later and later as I learn the art of throwing things into bags instead of neatly placing things in their strategic location, as I feel is my duty to do when my stuff is at the mercy of baggage handlers. In my car nothing is touched, even moved, for five hours. Destination A to B, that's it. I started my collage project a few days ago, half on a whim. When I spring-cleaned my closet last week, I found a dozen old Vogues and I decided to go through them all and tear out anything I liked before recycling them. That turned into "why don't I use these to decopage that old drawer thing I've had for years" and then "these magazine pages need a nice box to be stored in, and this of course must be decorated as well". So for the last few days I've taken over the kitchen table with a drippy white bottle of Mod-Podge, scissors, pens and a mess of magazine pages. I haven't collaged in a long time, and the signs of my blunders with the glue, the layers, the estimation of space are all glaring to me, but so are the moments I felt, "yes! I've got it!" I have worked on the drawers for a long time, late into the night every night, wanting to finish everything before I go back to school tomorrow. I know that at school I will never get around to finishing half-finished pieces. The storage box was an afterthought; purchased today along with some wrapping paper. A mere hour was invested in it, but at least now it looks prettier than cheap plywood does. And so everything is done. And I love it all, like you love your own child because it came from you and you cannot dislike something that is part of you.

Front:

Side:

Side:

Back:

And the storage box:

All this creating makes me feel like a more substantial person. I cannot take credit for making the box out of wood and sandpaper, but I love how I feel while being creative, recycling things into something new, beautiful, not buying every single item I own but instead meeting it halfway with my own stamp. I should be doing things like this more often; I don't want these projects to be a novelty that gets dusted out of my brain index every few years. This semester I have several artistic goals that, if accomplished, will be documented in this blog. On Friday I went to a pottery painting place for the first time in about seven years. It was a lovely way to spend a cold, cloudy afternoon with a few great girls before we all get back to the grind. I've been very spoiled this break, being able to do only things I want to do. I'm ready to get back to "the other half of my life": the life of work, responsibility, sociability, restraint, extremes. Living at home now doesn't include many of these, and my life at school doesn't include a realistic living situation or a kind of actual family, of people who know me and understand me and love me regardless. Friends - yes, I have friends, the company of whom I enjoy. But they are different. Everyone has their own balance, but I cannot envision being a content adult without both a social system in which I live (not necessarily a lover (yet), but perhaps a few good girlfriends a la Friends), and a satisfying work experience. I've come to see the experience of college as a push-and-pull between two lives - between the life of being a member of family and between the life of a self-sufficient adult. I am not complete either at school or at home because these senses of self are separate. Until I am settled down with a job and a direction in life, hopefully with another person, I think I will always feel incomplete. Leia calls it "the Garden State Syndrome". But it's a good "incomplete", because it makes me think and write and examine everything - especially myself, others, and my relationships - through a new lens. Every day I exalt in the beauty of this world, of this life I am living. I am in awe, all the time. We are so lucky to be alive! To have the chance to walk and run and breathe and read and love, and I want to soak up every single thing that ever existed so I understand it. These are my thoughts. And there are still so many that I will never be able to translate into words. I suppose that is the reason for art.

11 January 2007

nuit

10 January 2007

classique

I felt it too. All I wanted was a new layout. I'd had the old one for over a year - a record for me. Let me tell you a story that will put this in perspective. I've been using Diaryland since 2001, under six different usernames (figandflower is in second place for longest-running... I am a restless soul). In the early 2000s, in the heyday of diaryland (we're talking pre-xanga and pre-myspace), diaryland was on fire! The great thing about diaryland is that you have complete control over your layout and can change the HTML to alter the smallest thing on your page. Diaryland offers about six basic templates, but if you want to jazz it up, you can simply change the HTML. Because few people know how to do this, dozens of template designers were buzzing around the internet, making layouts and giving them out for free. While most templates were of poor-quality starring the latest popular tv star or actor, a few gems had advanced skills with HTML and CSS and made these beautiful, beautiful layouts. There was quite a lot of choice for templates, and I switched mine every few months or so to suit my mood, and in the process I quickly learned basic HTML. Then xanga and myspace exploded onto the scene, and old-fashioned diaryland, with its weird cartoons, pastel colors and the 80s word 'diary' in the name, was left to wither away. Template designers (who already had a high turnover rate as they grew older and went to college or found jobs) dropped like flies. This is still the dire situation with beautifying diaryland today. The guy who runs the website, Andrew, and his small staff (if it still exists) still do a great job maintaining the site. Everything is and always has been free, and I love that you have complete control over your layout. But as for interesting templates... you'll be hard-pressed to find more than two high-quality diaryland designers still offering their work today. And even when you find a good designer, you may not find anything that grabs you. I know immediately whether or not I like something. And I'm really, really picky. No photos, no cartoons, no lyrics, no words, no columns, no boxes, no dashed lines, no flashing things, no neon colors, no exploding dog images, no mess, no chaos. But no boringness either. So until (or if) I teach myself how to completely utilize CSS, I'm at the mercy of the few still standing.

Six days ago, with the spirit of the new year in the air, I felt that it was time to change the look of figandflower. I chose my favorite of the designs Francey offered, and put up a new template on here. I definitely wasn't feeling the shade of green, but I couldn't change the code for background color because the images were embedded over the same color. So I played around with things for a while, finally just settled with what it orginally looked like, and waited. I looked at it every day. I felt unbalanced. I imagined screwed-up expressions from around the world looking at my little space on the internet and thinking, "no. no no no. this doesn't work." And then when I had dinner with Ali last night and she mentioned the new layout in a tone that completely embodied my fears, I knew it was time for it to go. There isn't any other current design in the entire world that is free that I like enough to use... so I had no choice but to re-install the old one, which I do genuinely love. I altered the HTML a tad to freshen things up, and now I feel content with the way figandflower looks. I've also added comments. (Unlike some greedy websites, you don't need to be a member to comment). I've had problems with HaloScan in the past, but hopefully it will play along.

In other news, I saw Children of Men after Danielle mentioned it on the phone last week, and... wow. I often cannot describe how I feel after seeing many of the films I see, because I only see films that tend to leave me in a state of speechlessness. So I can't tell you much, other than I recommend that you watch it.

08 January 2007

no reaction from the secondary

Have you ever felt like you were selling your soul to the devil as you handed over the plastic to the smiling lady in your university bookstore as she prepared to swipe hundreds of unnecessary dollars from your account because textbooks cost so ridiculously much? I have. This winter break I said "no more exorbitant prices!" and saved $120 by buying all but three of my spring semester textbooks used on www.textbooks.com. Yes, $120, and that was over the same used books at my college bookstore. There was no shipping charge, yet my order still arrived only seven day days (vs. business days) after I placed it. They have a pretty large inventory, and will "reserve" an actual used copy of the book for you for 45 minutes. What's not to love?

And because I have too many textbooks stacking up in my closet, random textbooks from CC and ASU that I never want to see again, I decided to spend several hours today being a geek and making a lovely Excel spreadsheet comparing "buyback" quotes from major textbook stores for all my textbooks from the last two semesters. For some reason, I feel like giving you the results from my research: in general, the same website I waxed poetic about, textbooks.com, also pays the most out of the leading online textbook vendors to buy back your used textbooks. Also, all the good stores offer a pre-paid, printable mailing label, so shipping is free. Somehow I still feel ripped off only getting about 25% of the original cost back, but it's better than only 10% from my college's bookstore, and these businesses do need to make a profit. A little money is better than no money + piles of books stacking up in my closet.

Today I also sold normal books that I don't want anymore to two used bookstores near my house. I received a pathetic amount of money considering I got rid of about 25 books, but whatever, the clutter of unnecessary, irrelevant novels and words are gone and I no longer feel unbalanced from living in a room that isn't harmonious with who I am. I'm spring cleaning and re-arranging things in my room before I go back to school, and I love making everything fresh and up-to-date with my life again.

07 January 2007

i'd like to work in a flower shop

I eat chicken! I eat fish! I eat milk and yogurt and cheese and eggs!

What's next?

But boy, is it easier to live in America when you're not vegan, or even vegetarian. And mothers everywhere exhale a sigh of relief.

Tonight, my brother, sister and I cooked dinner in a rare display of harmonious culinary affection. My brother made rice pilaf and us girls made mughlai chicken curry from Nigella Lawson's cookbook Feast. My first piece of chicken in... six months (since that infamous Hooters NEVER AGAIN WILL I EVER EAT AT HOOTERS chicken burger, which literally resembled a human breast, perhaps lopped off a snappy Hooters girl who fell out of favor with the staff?) ... was quite tasty.

Who am I? How can I say that after passionately declaring my love for vegetarianism, and briefly, veganism?

People change. I need to eat more protein. This is a good plan for me right now. Life is too short to be terrified of the world. And this way, everything is so much easier and, possibly... more delicious?

04 January 2007

the separation of mind and body

I've been hiding away in my house as of late. Breaks from school are when I basically become a hermit. I need this time to have all the time in the world to do whatever I like, which mostly means sleeping in, hanging out with my brother and sister, and upholding a few adult responsibilities such as household chores and running errands for people. My phone stays neglected somewhere in my room, left to ring to no one. I see old friends here and there for dinner or a movie, but for the most part I'm like a battery plugged into the wall charging up. And I love it. Then I return to school saturated with silence and rest, pages and pages written in my (tangible) journal, several books under my belt (so far, The Search: How Google and Its Rivals Rewrote the Rules of Business and Transformed Our Culture by John Battalle, and On Beauty by Zadie Smith), ready to undertake another semester. But I don't go back until the Sunday after this one, fortunately, because I'm still rather enjoying being on vacation.

And 2006? It was a good year - if I had to attach one noun to it I would choose "rollercoaster"... but I grew a lot, and that's all you can ask for at the end of the day, right? I anticipate beautiful things from 2007.